oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
