I wish I could punch you in the face.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
