I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
