i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Randomize
