I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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