Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
