i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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