There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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