you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
