The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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