Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
