I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
