at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
