I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
