On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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