Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
