I wanna bring you to show and tell
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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