I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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