TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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