My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
