I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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