from now on my penis is your penis
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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