The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
