I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
