Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
