just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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