My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
