ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
