The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
