omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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