I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize