my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
