im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I woke up under a house in Key West
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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