Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
