I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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