I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
