Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
