also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
