He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
