oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
