btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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