my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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