SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There's always time for handjobs
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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