Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
