where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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