You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
