anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
