I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
