I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
