I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
