After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's blow job season.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
