I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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