Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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