btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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