my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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