just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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