dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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