my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Green mimosas i think yes
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
