All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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