Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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