Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
